Dear Iain,
Thanks for your letter. I write outreach materials for a living, so let me share a few bits and bobs about your letter.
1. The first thing to do with a cold outreach letter is to create a rapport. Find common ground. Telling us that we live in “your” home area and not “our” home area comes across as aloof, distant and somewhat elitist.
2. You then double down. “This is my home.” Firstly, I know that. You said it in the line above. Repetition works as a rhetorical device in a letter, and it works well. But not when you’re doubling down on a mistake (see point one).
3. This whole section. Jeez. I reckon if we did some eyeball tracking, this is where attention would drop off a cliff. This part needs to be a hook — the razzle dazzle, the promise, the solution to my problems. It’s just your biography. This isn’t a Wikipedia article. It’s a sales letter.
4. Ok, the bit about your strong track record is good. It demonstrates value. But you go off on a massive tangent here. You follow “I protect precious green spaces” with “I’ll continue to fight to improve infrastructure.” Eh? Those two aren’t connected. There’s no through line at all here.
5. Finally, nearly two-thirds in, and we get to an actual concrete solution. More trains. More. Trains. You’re representing Worsley and Eccles South. What percentage of your potential constituency live within easy walking distance of Walkden station, or Patricroft, or Eccles? The minority. Trains won’t solve the problem here in Boothstown, as well you know.
6. A rookie mistake. Taking what everyone else does and positioning it as a key benefit. All MPs have regular surgeries Iain. It’s in the job description. You need a point of difference here, a USP. That’s just a bit of mediocrity.
7. Should be a hyphen there mate. Come on, you want to educate our children.
8. Another tangent. Theresa May isn’t a locally-rooted Conservative government. She lives in London and represents Maidenhead. You can’t campaign on local issues and lean on the national figurehead. This whole section seems tacked on.
9. Ah, Corbyn’s nonsensical and dangerous ideas. Labour put a leaflet through at the same time as you. They’re quite into trains and education. So it looks like Corbyn’s dangerous ideas are also your dangerous ideas. Think it through lad.
10. Urgh. This is meant to be your killer closer. This is where the knickers drop, the wallets open and the conversions are done. And you’ve blown it. You should have stuck to your guns and gone local, maybe laser-focused in on a local concern. Instead, it’s the standard soundbite. Half a point for not saying strong and stable.
11. The font. Jesus wept, Iain, does readability mean nothing to you? It actually takes effort to parse this. Here’s a free tip. If you’d have used courier font, the letter would have been legible and appeared type-written, giving that folksy personal touch you’re aiming for.
12. The colour. Come on, strong, vibrant font colours here mate. Black or a bright blue. This looks washed out, poorly delivered and tired. Much like Theresa May I suppose. A- for sticking with her personal brand.
All in all, I wasn’t going to vote for you before I read this. Now I’m not going to vote for you but I am going to invoice you.
Kind regards,
Andrew
